lifeline.

never mind the fact that i have an impending math final to study for. one that i absolutely must achieve an 85% or higher on. (i just ended two sentences with prepositions. i should be shot.) never mind the fact that i know nothing, absolutely nothing, about what is going on in that class. my notes look like roadkill. to frantically write them down, i used the backs of four different scraps of paper that happened to be floating around in my backpack. where did the days go where i color-coded, rewrote, and practically memorized my notes days before a final exam? i can't decide if i was a certified freak then (likely) or if now i've just fallen so far that my study habits will never again see the light of day. either way, let's hope that in three months i can find my inner freak, because i hear in college you have to actually study all the time. what a strange little world.

good news: in a little less than 37 hours, i will be forever done with high school classes!

sad news: in a little less than 37 hours, i will be forever done with high school classes!

as a self-proclaimed sufferer of senioritis since sophomore year (alliteration. can you tell i took my english final today?), i never thought i'd say those words. sad to be done with high school?? who have i become!? really though, i'm going to miss it! mostly the people, but the wooden walls too. if they ever rebuild bonanza i'll be incredibly pissed. i LOVE that it's old and small. i love that it has so much tradition. i could care less if the paint peels and there's holes in the ceilings of classrooms from rain leaks. it's become my second home. after all, i'm practically always there. and i'm not talking about my classes even. if you need me once i'm done with class i can most likely be found selling something at lunch, attending some sort of meeting, going to practices, running errands, filling out paperwork... come to think of it maybe i won't miss high school.

i must declare, however, graduating has got to be one of the most profitable things i've ever done. in absolute gratitude, i can honestly say i had no idea that sending out a little picture to all the people that my mom thought should know i'm not a hoodlum drop-out would bring in so much revenue! my books for next year are pretty much paid for by now, it's a glorious thing. i've been stocking up on thank you notes literally every time i go to target, because if you know me at all you know that i'm insanely picky when it comes to such things (type, design, color, etc.) and you never know when you're going to need decent looking thank you notes! at this point i should be set for about a year.

i have debated whether or not to mention this other thing that will help fund my college expenses. it's not a huge deal, but it was kind of cool i guess. and the reason i'm bringing it up is because i've been thinking about service a lot lately, and this somewhat ties into that. months ago i applied for a few memorial scholarships through the school, meaning a bonanza student was guaranteed to receive them. the one that i thankfully ended up receiving at senior awards night, i was quite happy about, mostly because it was the one coming from the essay about which i felt best. somehow, hours before the deadline, i had been able to crank out 400-500 words that more accurately described how i felt about service than anything i'd ever said or written. it wasn't just BS or a frosted version of the truth, as some application essays sometimes tend to be. so even though the award money was substantially less than the other two i'd applied for, i was glad that it was my feelings that had earned me something, instead of a lot of fancy words about my goals in life. SO, for some odd reason, in case i happen to lose it from my documents folder some time in the future... i am now copying that very essay to the world of the internets. excuse me for its lack of excitement, i admit it's not something to bring you to the edge of your seat. 

"A heavy involvement in community service and charity work has made me increasingly more aware of others and myself. I have come to realize that I am truly happiest when I am anxiously engaged in a good cause, and with each service opportunity I have encountered, I have become more compassionate and excited to help others. No matter how busy I may be with personal obligations or responsibilities, there is always time for more service. It is an escape a thousand times more fulfilling than television, and I am grateful for the perspective it has given me on life. By directly or indirectly helping people who have been torn down by circumstance or misfortune, I have become acutely aware of how good I really have it, making me more determined to work hard and share my talents and opportunities with others. Whenever I am having a difficult day, I am able to dispel my negative thoughts by remembering the smile of the homeless man down on the Strip, and the song he broke into after my friends and I pulled over and gave him one of the sack lunches we made to distribute on Christmas Eve. I remember the laughs and joy of the children at the Shade Tree Shelter after I helped paint a garden mural on the wall of their playroom. If these people are able to put aside their heartache and despair and bless my life with their smiles, I feel as if I have no right not to share my happiness and plenty with those who don’t have as much. Through charity work, I have also met many incredible people who are an example to me of the kind of givers that we all should strive to be. While I was standing outside of a grocery store as a volunteer for a Safe Nest toiletry drive, a woman stopped by wanting to donate, but the items at the grocery store were too expensive for her small budget, so she drove up the street to the dollar store to buy a toothbrush because that was all she could give. If the world held more people like that, I believe there would be far less poverty and far more genuine concern for others. Over and over, I have learned from experience that service is the purest form of love, and I know that a large part of the love I have in my life has come from service, both large-scaled and small. There is no reward better than that."

now, forget that i brought that scholarship up. i strongly dislike bragging of any and every sort, and i don't want you to mistake this as an excuse to do so. i just wanted to give this essay a purpose other than taking up room on my hard drive. it deserves to see the outside world i think. after all, it's been kind to me.

while i have your attention, (or perhaps this is when i should be shaking you to stay awake) i would like to advocate the cause of donating blood. i did so in february, and again this past saturday, and never did i think that being sucked of two pints of blood and plastic bag full of plasma would feel so good. there's something that makes you smile when the formerly diabetic lady in the white united blood services lab coat sticks you in the elbow pit and tells you that you're about to save four lives. i've never been the heroic type, but it feels good to have my days. 

to say my goodbye for tonight, a word on goodbyes. i do not handle them well. yesterday i had to say a particularly hard one. beginning the two years in which i will be without one of my favorite people was kind of a heartwrencher. it sure made for a meaningful, yet exhausting sunday. oddly i have now acquired a resolve to take up written correspondence as a hobby.

with graduation coming fast, that means more and more goodbyes. i'm hoping i handle those ones better. on one hand, i wish i could take after the apathetic people of the world and walk away without any pain, but on the other, much more important hand, i would NEVER give up knowing that i have strong enough friendships with people that parting from them will be genuinely difficult. it's all worth it. the best things in life are painful when they end, or else they were never that good to begin with. 

if you read all of this, you are a saint. it's therapeutic sending my thoughts into the airwaves. or...whatever sort of waves computers have. i am now off to gallantly save my math grade! seeing as i don't do ANY math on weekends or during the summer, tomorrow will be my last death march for quite a while! hallelujah!

GOODNIGHT.

"sleep well darling, wherever you are, i hope that you're happy tonight."