i'm old.

i have worn the same pair of jeans for three weeks now.

and i'm old. 21 even. i know there are a wide variety of wild 21-year-old things that would excite others in my position, but i can't even think what they are right now. 

would you like to know what excites me more than anything? 

my life right now. my lowkey utah valley life. 

i wedding plan, i write emails, i make phone calls, i sit on my couch til i have numb butt and then i get in my car and run an errand or two. i leave indecipherable voicemails for my lover, i go on a spur of the moment four mile run and then wash it down with a cinnamon roll. i spend a whole lot of alone time in the apt, i wait anxiously for five o'clock, because that means my man's work is done in the byu sports camps world and i can go pick him up and stare at him foolishly. i whine about the heat simply for the comic effect. it's the irony of my vegas upbringing that really gets to me. 

sometimes i drive through the canyon and zone out and wish i was a bird. a really fast bird. a peregrine falcon, because they are fast and admirable and quite regal i think. it's so frustrating sometimes to think that there are endless miles of beautiful things that i'll never get to see because my arthritic human legs can't get me there. i'd like to be a bird on occasion. i first came to this realization when i was living in uganda last summer. that green just got to me like nothing else could and i wanted nothing more than to fly around and see it all. 

being human is cool too though. i actually quite enjoy it. it means i get to say whatever nonsense i like. it means i can subscribe to netflix. it means i can go on bike rides when my bike-riding sidekick's tire is not destroyed. it means i can eat three snow cones a week. it means i get to have a lovely birthday each year. it means i can hike to the top of the world (if we're counting provo as the world) and sweat and be asthmatic and get sunburned, and look out over the town where i reside and smile because i enjoy it so. 

being human also means realizing how incompetent i am at kitchenly tasks. but i'm working on that one. i realized the other day that i either needed to end up with a man who knows how to cook, or a man without any taste buds. luckily matthew is extraordinary in the kitchen, and appreciates my efforts when i  break out something other than a sandwich. 

which reminds me. IN LESS THAN FOUR WEEKS I AM GOING TO BE A WIFE! incredible. i feel like my whole life up until i met matt was just endless build-up for our life together. i'm blown away by how lucky i got. if anyone still even follows this blog of mine, perhaps you'll remember back in september when i mentioned building up the courage to talk to a boy in front of a hot dog stand. i had to pretend i didn't know his name and i was so nervous. well something must have been in the air that night, because the past eleven months have been the happiest of my life. things have never felt so right.

even those four months i spent out of the country, surviving off of an average of six emails a day. it was complicated to be falling in love with spain while my heart was back at home. i felt almost half-human i was so torn between my two worlds. but it was worth it. i feel so lucky for being able to go. i love this big world we live in. 

in other news: the sound on my phone hasn't worked in five days. you can call me and talk all you want, and i'll even respond and yell hello endlessly, but you won't be able to hear me. looks like a trip to the apple store is needed. like i haven't made the drive to salt lake enough in the last two weeks. 

i mention that only because i think my inability to converse may be a small factor in this sudden brain spew.

i'm off to make a sandwich.