ex-lax for the college student's soul

and so it is.

are all people this mentally unstable? i swear i'm the happiest person on earth one minute... in raptures over the color of a leaf, walking on clouds back from the mailbox, listening to a song that floods me with memories, laughing uncontrollably about unfortunate falling incidents... and then the next minute the littlest thing is making me feel like i've never done a single thing right in my life. i suck at school, i suck at drawing, i'm not friendly enough, i get distracted too easily, i get my feelings hurt too often, i'm not graceful, i have little to no self control, etc.

we're all too hard on ourselves. i'm obviously not afraid to admit that i fall in that category.

in reality, things are great. better than great. besides sleep, proper nutrition, and perhaps a dose of motivation, there are very few things that i'm lacking at this point. and yet, i still manage to throw a private pity party for a few minutes of every day. usually for no reason. no wonder boys think girls are insane. it's 100% true. we are.

if you're one of those people who is so incredibly talented at overlooking the bad and greeting every situation with a smile, you have NO IDEA how much i admire you. i love being around people like you. people who shrug off their little issues, make jokes out of their misfortune, and somehow manage to produce a genuine smile for everyone they come in contact with. i'm sure none of you would actually admit to being that way, but you'd be surprised how much i notice it. we all have our secret downer moments, but what amazes me is how you don't let it affect you more than it absolutely has to. i feel better about myself just being near people like you. if someone tries to tell me being cheerful does not count as a talent, i'll take advantage of every sucky debate tactic i know and prove to you otherwise.

like the grass on the byu lawns, "i'm trying hard to grow." i swear. i want to be happy and patient and easy going, and a lot of the time i'm not half bad at it. but some of the time... i suck. and once i tell myself that, i start in again on the list of things i don't do right. it's a vicious cycle my friends.

are you annoyed with my whiny self right now? ME TOO.

i'm not depressive, i'll promise you that. but boy do i think too much. i analyze everything. past, present, and future all at once. if you can keep up you're a better person than i.

i've learned to deal with it. if you're looking to comprehend the way my mind works, i'm terribly sorry but you'll just have to get in line.

now, i'd feel completely foolish if i led to you to believe i'm not loving life right now. so in typical nonsense fashion i will proceed to relate to my few readers a couple details from my life lately.

1. the man count is still at zero (if you're generous enough to consider freshman boys 'men'). that is unless you count mat kearney, who i fell in love with at his concert in salt lake last wednesday. he sounds the exact same live as he does on cd, only ten times better. and he's hilarious. definitely goes up there with my top three concert experiences.

2. speaking of top 3 concert experiences... dashboard confessional is one of them. and i was SUPPOSED to be seeing mr. carraba again in two weeks but now the tour has been cancelled!! i am devastated to say the least.

3. speaking of devastation... my first few exams here were a bit of a reality check. i've come to accept the fact that good grades aren't going to come easy anymore. i don't want to dwell on boring unimportant things like "school" but when it consumes my life i'm bound to bring it up a few times. let's just say the dorms are not exactly a prime setting for studying, especially for someone with my ADD.

4. speaking of dorms... i have become great friends with the girl who lives diagonally across the hall from us. i feel like we have known each other for years when in fact our friendship sprung up by chance only a little more than a month ago. me and erica are polar opposites, and yet very much the same. considering this is the status of most of my great friendships, i see a lot of potential here. she's always ready to talk your ear off for twenty minutes (a quality i've been known to love in a person), she's always entertaining, and she's the craziest dancer i know. also she is super generous and has taken me into her home (which conveniently is five minute away) on many occasions, where she and her mom try to shove delicious homemade food down my throat every time i take a breath.

5. speaking of breathing... although i am nineteen years old and counting, i still need vast amounts of parenting. and seeing as my real family is gallivanting off to disneyland without me these days, i have enlisted my friends to make sure i wake up in the morning, do my homework, don't stay up too late (meaning past 3:30am), turn the lights off before bed, exercise regularly, and take my vitamins. i'm a full time job people. best of luck to my future man!

5. speaking of the future man... once i do get married (in a looong time), PLEASE don't let me get pregnant while i'm still in college. the sight of mothers-to-be walking around campus and dads pushing babies to class in strollers is too much for me. i'm stressed enough as it is, can you imagine adding morning sickness to all that. no way jose.

6. speaking of jose... shall it be el salvador for me next summer?? or perhaps uganda or thailand? i simply can't decide which. i've been very seriously researching a certain humanitarian organization and want more than anything to go on a six week service trip next may or june. more and more i feel like i need to experience the world, get my hands dirty, forget all the unimportant distractions in my life for a while, and just lose myself working for others. at the forum/devotional last week, the speaker talked about what we can do as individuals to help the world on a large scale. i want to be part of fighting poverty, even if i can't do a lot. i have so much that i hardly know what to do with it all, and at this point nothing sounds better than immersing myself in a different culture and learning to love and care for them.

7. speaking of culture... study abroad in spain is still part of the 5-year plan for 2011. i'm praying that it becomes a reality.

8. speaking of my lovely 5-year plan... i may soon develop an ulcer thinking about this graphic design situation. i get to apply for the major in february, along with 100+ other applicants, and not an hour goes by that i don't stress out about my ability to squeeze my way into one of the 25 highly coveted spots. i know it's what i want to do with my life, i only hope i can prove to myself and the department that i'm good enough.

9. speaking of proving myself... jessica, kori, and i went to a spin class at 24 last week. holy. crap. it was freakin hard, but it felt so good after. i could make a gay little analogy out of that last sentence but i'll do my best to refrain. i'm always getting off topic, it's really quite frustrating.

10. speaking of frustration... i get to register for winter semester classes this upcoming week. it's a process that i've learned is quite obnoxious, but i am crossing my fingers a spot or two is still open in the classes i want. except for a few minor adjustments, i've had my schedule planned out for about a month. my main qualifications are: no class before 10 am, no more than one evening class, and not so many awkward gaps between classes. also i planned the entire thing around the snowboarding class that i couldn't be more excited for and the spanish class that i hope to enjoy as well.

11. speaking of all of that, before my mind explodes i'd like to make mention of how much i love sundays. after an exhausting week of things going wrong and pressure building, nothing is more welcome than a beautiful sunday morning. i've been making it a goal to go to church excited each week, and so far it has made all the difference. i try my best to listen with an open heart while i draw pictures on my program and take notes on the things people say that i want to remember. i want to remember everything. one of the things i love about our church is that i can be taught the same lesson a hundred times and each time it hits me in a different way according to what's going on in my life. i've always been one who grows by feeding off the strength of others and i love being part of a student ward with so many kids my age who are in the me situation. we're not necessarily sure of ourselves, but we're sure of what we believe. i know 100% that this church is true. i know i should say that more. i love sundays but i love even more that sunday isn't the only day that i feel the blessings of being a member. it's part of who i am. i could never deny that.

tonight there was a fireside at the marriot center and president uchtdorf gave a wonderfully uplifting and slightly hilarious talk about the power of knowing who you are. i can't wait until they put it online so i can read it again. but for now i would like to share with you a quote from a talk that my darling mumsy sent me back in september. it's currently on my wall and written in my mini moleskine.

"Rise to the great potential within you.

But don't reach beyond your capacity.

Don't set goals beyond your capacity to achieve.

Don't feel guilty or dwell on thoughts of failure.

Don't compare yourself to others.

Do the best you can, and the Lord will provide the rest."

-Dieter F. Uchtdorf

so... i sincerely hope your brain is not turned to mush and that you are enjoying a lovely sunday evening doing something that makes you happy.

as for me, i have on my serious glasses (seriously ridiculous) and plan on doing my very best to remain cheerful and perhaps productive for these last few hours before bed.

p.s. happy daylight savings/late halloween/day after nevada day/first day of november/25 days til thanksgiving!

p.p.s. if you are reading this and you are a family member or a long lost best friend (especially you lays!!)... CALL ME because i miss you!